Ok fine. We’ll talk about Greenland.
Let the continental drift begin
Can someone, like, jingle their keys in front of a more urgent endeavor so Trump can pivot from this nonsense?
His little M&A adventure has barely even started — and I need it to be over. Because the thing is, I know this behavior. I feel like one of its poster children: Committing yourself to a bright, shiny distraction to avoid working on something hard and meaningful.
Take my word for it, it doesn’t work! Never works! And yet, we’re currently immersed in a pool of bullshit so dense, so opaque that you can’t even see Trump’s darkest hand bruise if it’s stuck out in front of you. Of course, that’s by design — this is fun for him, after all.
“I won’t use force” to take Greenland, he says — propped up by the same fallacious intent as my “I won’t eat another handful of frozen mini M&Ms” (knowing full well I’ll be back in 10). But “we have to have it,” he says … in the same tone I deploy when showing my boyfriend a picture of the saddest rescue dog you could possibly fathom on Instagram.
We’re kind of looking at the human manifestation of the 2010s Urban Outfittersism “carpe the fuck out of this diem.” Naturally, there’s people who love that (emergent empire evangelists) and people who hate that (pretty much everyone else). I’m gonna draw that all out for you from European trolling to imperial extolling.
A message from Planned Parenthood Action Fund
The Trump administration and anti-abortion rights lawmakers are advancing their agenda: “defunding” Planned Parenthood to force health center closures, limiting access to abortion and other essential sexual and reproductive health care, and trying to outlaw medication abortion.
We’re in the fight of our lives — and we plan to win. We’re going to make sure the Trump administration and Congress know exactly what’s at stake if they block patients’ access to care at Planned Parenthood health centers and continue to attack sexual and reproductive health. Are you with us?
Sign your name and say, "I fight for Planned Parenthood."
CONTINENTAL DRIFT
It’s moments like these that I am so grateful for social media. To click into the perspective of just how rancid America looks in the eyes of Europeans, more specifically Greenlanders … a blessing. I’m here to report, they’re roasting us on TikTok and IG.
✅ Side-by-side AI comparisons of what it looks like before and after America takes over, where they all become engorged and ugly
✅ Joking about their imminent battlefield death because “someone didn’t get a Nobel Peace Prize”
✅ Multiple mega viral imitations of fentanyl zombies as America’s main cultural export
Europeans aren’t holding back either. 16,000 people gathered in solidarity in Copenhagen. A Danish member of Euro Parliament is getting abundant aura edits for telling Trump to “fuck off.” Andrew Callaghan’s Channel 5 posted a great interview with some young Danes going into the imperialism of it all.
And I just love this video of foreign ministers from Denmark and Greenland ripping cigs after a meeting with Vance and Rubio. Looking utterly tortured lol.
EMPIRE STATE OF MIND
I hate to be trite, but I’m cashing in my one-time use “Star Wars” reference card on account of the fact that I just saw the series for the first time. So, it’s a little “Revenge of the Sith” moment right now and then never again:
“In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, The Republic will be reorganized into The First Galactic Empire! For a safe and secure society.”
We’re so close to this being a post on Truth Social — like, just add a Thank you for your attention to this matter! and tell me you don’t see it. But the craziest part is that, until today, I had no idea that people are out here endorsing the concept of an American Empire.
Example 1: Friendly Fire, The Daily Wire
Matt Walsh: acknowledges he’s an isolationist before immediately pivoting to say he sees the advantages
“People are so offended by the idea of us taking land, but that’s how this country came to be [...] Manifest Destiny — it’s what God wanted us to do. If you’re not growing, you’re dying.”
Andrew Klavan: admits he doesn’t like saying this out loud (then says it out loud)
“I believe ‘empire’ is a phase in the life of great nations, and I don’t think you can help it. [...] War with Denmark is going to be so much fun.”
FWIW: Ben Shapiro, who is also on the show, is a definitive “no” on all the above
Example 2: The All-In Podcast
Jason Calacanis: less clear on what he wants Greenland to be, open to it being “like a country club” with memberships
“Let President Trump cook, and if he wants to buy some other land, I’m here for it. I love building the empire. This is my favorite Trump.”
David Sacks: lays out the history of U.S. interests in Greenland + a new vision
“I think it could be important for the U.S. to have a new frontier. You know, maybe what we can do is send all these progressive socialists off to Greenland…”
TECHTONIC MOVEMENT
Trump’s getting whacked from all angles over this … project. Open an app, turn on the TV, pick up a newspaper, tune into a podcast, you’ll hear critiques spanning the spectrum — like he’s doing this because of traditional map distortion.
But there’s one media combat mission building a ton of momentum, plotting the movements of tech billionaires, somewhere between lightly suspicious and all-out nefarious.
The exact details of what’s going on here are somewhat fluid from video to video, creator to creator. The gist: The Usual Suspects (Bezos, Altman, Thiel, etc.) have made strategic investments in Greenland in hopes of gaining massive control over the territory and its resources. Examples:
Sam Altman, Bill Gates, and Jeff Bezos invested into AI-driven rare earth mineral drilling in Greenland
This is why these tech moguls donated so heavily to Trump in 2024
Peter Thiel wants to build a Prospera-like “freedom city” in Greenland
This video ties the effort from the PayPal Mafia to the pardon of former Honduran President Hernández who helped deliver Prospera
So, it’s really two groups these creators are pulling into view: one trying to enrich themselves through untapped mining, another trying to build an entire new regulation-free, crypto city-state. Yes, there’s overlap between them. More Perfect Union did the only explainer I’ve seen that addresses all key groups and their reported interests.
LOOSE ENDS
📝 Word I learned today: monocarpic
bearing fruit but once and then dying — “The monocarpic man, he just wants to be flawlessly beautiful and fantastically famous for one exquisite second.” (via Secret Ballot)
🕵️ Someone you should know today: Angie Katsanevas, a cast member of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, testified in front of the House Small Business Committee on Capitol Hill about her experience franchising her salon business. I love Ang, even when she’s wrong, but she’s just the gateway to the real tea here.
Whoever forced the members on this committee to release their own version of a Bravo taglines video … well, I don’t know if you should be fired or promoted. It’s soooo bad hahaha
TMZ’s article said Angie is the first housewife to appear in front of Congress. Bravo fans, who have some of the best memories on the market, jumped on the opportunity to offer a slight correction. That designation technically belongs to the main character in my OG political scandal: Michaele Salahi. She and her husband crashed Obama’s 2009 state dinner, were subpoenaed to testify in front of the House, and attended the hearing only to plead the Fifth the entire time. Michaele made her Bravo debut on the short-lived RHODC in 2010.1
🥹 Something to make you smile today: The Dude abides!
I say this with no snark or irony, she might be one of the most interesting women ever. So this blurb is for the real reality sickos: She was booted from the show Celebrity Rehab because she literally didn’t have an addiction! Like the only prerequisite! Her husband filed a missing persons report on her in 2011 … until police figured out that she intentionally lied about where she was so she could cheat on her husband with the lead guitarist of Journey. She became Neal Schon’s FIFTH WIFE in a three-hour wedding ceremony that was available for pay per view. BYEEEEE I wonder if she’d let me interview her …