Gird your loins: Dems are libbing out

Democrats won so big, they’re saying woke is back — now MAGA wants to close state borders.

To any campaign managers reading this: Do not — and I can’t believe I have to say this — let an OJ-era white Bronco be the last image burned into the minds of voters before they head to the polls on Election Day.

Like can you think of a worse omen? Maybe if it was 10 degrees colder out and he tried to put on a black glove. Here’s the thing: It’s so hard to be Andrew Cuomo, who lost the primary, running against the most media-savvy candidate of the 21st century.

This is how he wrapped his campaign: in loosely packed rooms, doing press conferences in what appeared to be empty malls, hanging up on radio show hosts, featuring a Zohran impersonator at a Halloween party, getting turned on by his own bots, making his family potentially break electioneering rules … while driving around in a white Bronco, lest you forget.

Here’s what he was up against: an army of people gathering for a beautifully lit sunrise walk, a canvassing visit to honor cab drivers and other night-shift workers, posting up in the nosebleeds at the Knicks game with Mero (a NY legend), co-interviews with the governor, a feature with a massive streamer, the most stamina-necessitating club crawl on Halloween til 2am, a follow-up video to the campaign’s original viral masterpiece one year ago … I think you get it.

I don’t think it’s good to hold a single mayor’s race to the light as a map for every race around the country — even if it’s the most important mayor’s race in the world (don’t even try to fight with me) — because we have to account for the Democrats’ two governors-elect being moderate, mainstream, pretty by-the-book former roommates.

This election delivered for Dems because they pegged their platforms to popular policy and organized on clear promises. Mikie Sherrill in New Jersey promised to establish a state of emergency over the cost of living. Zohran Mamdani ran on three explicit promises from day one. Gavin Newsom offered one single item for his state to zero in on, and it snatched almost 65% of the vote.

Americans aren’t disillusioned or dispassionate — if you know me, you know how much I believe this — they only need clarity. Just ask Kentucky’s secretary of state who had to tell his state they could not, in fact, vote for New York City’s mayor.

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CRASH OUT STARTS IN…

3 — I would be remiss if I did not start this section with the incisive words of somebody who has everything to celebrate these days:

“Fuck you @CurtisSliwa I HATE YOU, your dumb wife, that stupid Beret of yours and all your fucking cats!” — George Santos

2 — I didn’t think the crash out¹ would be so … literal. But again maybe this is something we would’ve been wise to predict after Rep. Andy Ogles eased us into Election Day by posting the literal video of 9/11. It was nothing short of horrifying to check in on the right’s most followed figures to discover so many of them doubling down on this message, pressing send on this imagery: “New York forgot.”²

? — I had to make this a question mark, because I was reserving this for my most anticipated meltdown and subsequent manifesto. This is a great lesson in always allowing people to surprise you. Billionaire, poorer by millions after funding anti-Mamdani groups, Bill Ackman gave his Twitter fingers the night off. He offered just 24 words to his sworn nemesis, including: “If I can help NYC, just let me know what I can do.” Fascinating.

IF IT AIN’T WOKE, FIX IT

Do you mind if Dems lib out for a sec? After somewhat of a disturbing defeat almost a year ago to the day, many packed their pride flags, stowed their septum piercings, and set out to discover BluerSkies. And like bears from hibernation, they’ve returned, starved for social dominance. 33,000 posts hit the timeline: WOKE IS BACK.

People predicted the return of “woke” from the beginning of the second Trump term, testing the strength of our cultural rubberband. Even I could tell we were close to the pendulum swinging back after I saw at least five full-on blackface costumes posted on Halloween … with confidence. It felt like the cultural preceded the political on this one, with libs and leftists alike hoisting their flag on top of this year’s Dem domination.

LOCK THEM OUT! LOCK THEM OUT!

In light of today’s results, MAGA has decided to reach across the aisle and quote the former bearer of ire, Kamala Harris: “Do not come.” One of the clearest distress signals coming from the right were letters of intent to move away from New York if Mamdani won.

🌊: At first the water was warm, future neighbors with open arms — saying give us your tired, your rich, your tax-avoidant asses yearning to breathe free.

🤠 : Then Texas Gov. Greg Abbott turned the tide, suggesting he would put a 100% tariff on any New York refugee moving to his state … whatever that means.

🖕: Here comes the well-practiced rejection of asylum-seekers by MAGA, for example:

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ALL BETS ARE ON

So I’m here to report that we’ve learned abbbbsolutely nothing from the scourge of sports gambling. Instead, it’s spreading its germs to politics (a sector well-known for its clean bill of health). People were placing $1M real-time bets on races and $2M bets on Curtis Sliwa to lose from the jump. Kalshi (legal) and Polymarket (not) are the names to know, and here are the two arms of proliferation:

1. Through creators and streamers — Almost every stream I tuned into at least referenced these betting markets and their polling. Adam Mockler, Breaking Points, and Matt Morse kept tabs on Polymarket trends, while Tim Pool, David Pakman, Ben Shapiro, and The Charlie Kirk Show got their fix on Kalshi, which sponsors many of their shows.

2. Through in-house content teams — Polymarket has commanded attention through a number of offshoot accounts on Twitter, like NewsWire and RawsAlerts, made to look like run-of-the-mill news and politics pages. In reality, these media outfits are constantly putting their thumb on the scale to manufacture some winds to move their markets. I.e.: Polymarket being the origin point for the viral claim that 1M New Yorkers would flee if Mamdani won or Kalshi pushing polling that had Cuomo nine points ahead of the mayor-to-be.

3. Bonus: “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” even did a bit on craziest sidebets in the NYC race.

NEEDLE DROPS

Campaign music is somewhat of a niche interest of mine. More than any policy meeting, I’d like to sit in on the session where consultants attempt their best Spotify Wrapped data dissection to come up with the perfect score for success.

Let’s play a little game, shall we? Here are five songs I heard on stage tonight, from winners and losers alike. Can you match the track with the candidate? Answers at the bottom.³

1. crash out definition here

2. I want to spare you from seeing 9/11 imagery if you don’t have to, so here are some links: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. Dhoom Machale played by Zohran Mamdani, Born to Run played by Mikie Sherrill, A Bar Song AND Dog Days Are Over played by Abigail Spanberger, Sweet Child O’Mine played by Andrew Cuomo. Couldn’t find Curtis Sliwa’s song. Sad!