Are you ready to get raptured?
“Nothing bad can happen, it can only good happen.”
When I think “Rapture,” I think Blondie. And for that alone, it’s guaranteed that I’ll be left on Earth to face what horrors tomorrow may bring. Here’s a bit on the “pre-tribber” rapture preppers before we get to our usual suspects.
A random South African pastor predicted TODAY to be the day of reckoning. It came to him in a dream or whatever. Believers got their affairs in order: closing businesses, writing guides for those left behind, and removing their phone passcodes so the word of Jesus breaks through.
The best guidance I’ve seen is to pray you’re not on the toilet when it happens. Might I recommend some thoughtful side commentary on rapture anxiety and religious psychosis.
The pastor spent 12 hours on a livestream with Americans, rather than, you know, with loved ones or his congregation. Then it abruptly ended in the middle of a song. The comments are LIVID.
To quote my personal deity, Nene Leakes: “It’s getting weird.” And there’s normal in today’s newsletter either: MAHA doctors and regular (?) doctors, Alex Clark and Alex Jones, Erika Kirk, Kamala Harris, Joseph Goebbles, and a whole lot more.
FROM THE RIGHT WING:
STICK TO THE VAX: Those who tried out the “Tylenol causes autism” framing got mixed reactions. Alex Clark, TPUSA’s witchy, wellness kingpin, pushed a recent episode of hers on this topic and shared an accompanying list of alternatives to acetaminophen (sans medical evidence). For others the rest of MAHA, there was no use in dwelling too long on what is just a pitstop to their ultimate aim — dismantling vaccine requirements for their absolutely unproven link to autism.
THE (UN)FAIRWAY: I wondered how long it would take before Phil Mickelson landed himself in the Who Broke It bunker. The golfer is hoping Rep. Ilhan Omar is “sent back to Somalia soon.” Laura Loomer responded to the same Omar comment advocating to ban all Muslims from Congress. She’s been even more lost in the rough than usual, yelling about “ghetto black bitches who hate America.” I assumed she was using “ghetto” with loose frivolity, but I didn’t expect 48 times in the past 3ish years.
Do the Swifties know about this? TOOT IT & REBOOT IT: Remember 1,000 years ago (2021) when right-wing creators were banned from YouTube for pushing election denial and COVID conspiracies? The Deputy FBI Director, for example. Well, the door is swinging back open. You’re gonna see a lot of Alex Jones content come back online. But simple reinstatement is not enough for some. OutKick founder Clay Travis, for instance, wants reparations for “hundreds of millions in lost ad dollars.”
FROM THE LEFT WING:
BURN NOTICE: The fireworks at Charlie Kirk’s funeral sparked all kinds of jokes and comparisons to WWE entrances or Righteous Gemstones. But Erika Kirk caught another kind of heat (that I’m not getting). Dem influencers discovered she competed in the Miss USA pageant in 2012, owned by Trump at the time. That turns into bizarre, unfounded connections between Erika and human trafficking ... which mutates into an assertion that Erika was chosen and installed as Charlie Kirk’s wife 11-years later. BetterHelp, if you’re reading this, there’s a lot of work to be done.
A portion of tweet from @EscanorReloaded
STORMCHASING: Whatever timidity people had left restraining them from calling Stephen Miller a nazi, it’s gone. I’d venture that most people would like to avoid being accused of plagarizing Joseph Goebbels, bar for bar (unless they meant to do so). I personally wouldn’t like having the original German audio overlaid on my speech, Jim Stewartson went for it. And I’d hate it if independent journalists were linking me to 2016 neo-Nazi darling Richard Spencer.
RE-ROUTING NUMBER: Pregnant women are taking Tylenol on TikTok as a fuck you to Trump. And there are a billion jokes about getting a certain kind of autistic kid: good at posting, “Magic: The Gathering,” a savant, etc. A lot of doctors are combatting disinformation — Dr. Jess was made for this moment. But here’s something to watch: creators like Chris Mowrey are connecting the dots between a new supplement being promoted and Dr. Oz’s bank account.
THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE:
LOSING COUNT: I just, for my own sanity, need to write out all the Trump “moments” from the past couple days. Talking about tariffs in a funeral speech. Dancing next to a bereaved widow. Can’t pronounce acetaminophen. No autism in Cuba because there’s no Tylenol. Vaccines have too much liquid for babies. Basing this on his feelings. H2O essentially means water. UN broken teleprompter. UN bad escalator. Printing out his own Truth Social post to give to Argentinian President Milei. And of course, this banger. This is an insane streak for it only to be Tuesday.
BURDENED BY WHAT HAS BEEN: Kamala Harris is back guys. People did not like her appearance on Rachel Maddow. It’s the same gurgling verbiage as before. Specifically her answer about not picking Pete as her running mate. “The View,” not great either. Maybe it’ll click on Joy Reid.
LOOSE ENDS:
👀 Something you should watch today: Jimmy Kimmel returns to late night tonight ... but not yet to ABC affiliates owned by Sinclair and Nexstar. How will he take on the free speech vs. consequence culture debate? Refresh your memory with my post on that from last week.
🥹 Something to make you smile today: My friend Alex DiCapo Patel has been posting all this cozy, loving interior design and I find myself going and mentally inhabiting these scenes when I get particularly overwhelmed throughout the day. Taking “a girl can dream” very literally these days.
It’s only Tuesday?
Ok the fact that these are making you smile amid a rapture and the cancellation of Tylenol means the most 😂